Less Than a Month...

27 days, and counting. Life is a beautiful treasure and an adventure. For those who don't agree, well I pity you because you have never been in love. I am talking about love that reaches to your soul, a love you can feel from just a look. Most people today tell their significant others, "I love you", but how many of them actually feel it all through their being? It's a different feeling, it makes you happy, on the inside as well as the outside. 27 days, and I will unite my soul to my one true love. It took me 22 years to find him. Yeah, I know, I'm 40, but lets be realistic, growing up I really wasn't looking for my one true love. I thought I found it once, but if it had been the real thing, we would still be together, plus I wouldn't have been searching. I settled the first time I got married, 19, pregnant and scared, he did "the right thing" and married me. If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change anything, because the past made me who I am today. And I like the person I am.
And the man I am joining together with has decided he can actually live with me, as quirky as I am. I have my faults, I hate cleaning, I don't wear makeup, most of my clothes have holes in em, I love wearing ballcaps(a Giants hat is my favorite), I say "ya all" a whole lot, and I love the word ain't. But I do have my good sides, I don't lie(can't see the point in it), I do clean(When I can't stand walking on my socks anymore, or if I need clean dishes), I'm sensitive(if you can get past my rough exterior), plus I am very good at verbal combats, it is very seldom I can't come up with a comeback. Which reminds me, I was left speechless once. I was working in a supermarket(cashier) and one of my jobs was to sweep when not busy with customers. Well a customer came in, one I always joked around with, and when he saw the broom in my hand he said, "Everytime I come in here, you have that broom in your hand. Is that your normal mode of transportation?" My mind went blank, all I could do was laugh at being called a witch in a roundbout way. To this day, I still can't come up with a good come back line for him.
Ok got off the subject, which I do often. I am excited about getting married. And that is putting things mildly. I will continue to count days and nights, maybe even minutes and seconds. To Allan, I love you baby, and I like you too. I promise to try and clean better, but don't hold your breath, I promise to love you even if we have bad days and argue (which is bound to happen)I may not feel like talking all the time, but in my heart all the love there is yours. I promise to bug you when you don't feel well, just to make sure you are eating right. And I promise to keep the whips and chains hidden until after we are married, I love you now and always!

Seeing The Light In The Daytime

Today I am inspired to write about something I make it a habit to never discuss:Religion. So, if you don't want to read anymore, hit the backbutton or hit your homepage. I was raised in a Catholic family and hated it. Every Sunday the same thing, it got so monotonous I started dreading Sundays. As a grown up, I had the choice to go or not, I choose not. Religion and spirituality has always come easy for me, it wasn't something I had to think about, or meditate upon. Yeah, there was a higher being, and he wasn't going to think less of me if I didn't go to church on Sundays, he always knew he was in my heart. I've had some difficulties lately with spirituality, some doors opened and caused more questions then I had answers for. I ended up confusing myself, which is a daily occurence. But lately, some doors have opened and for the first time I can see the trees in the forest, I don't have blinders on, and I certainly don't have to worship or meditate on something somebody else has written to "show me the light". I think about it now, and since it's so clear, I wonder why I couldn't see it before. But no use thinking about why I couldn't see, now is the time where I can start living and being happy.
Everyone has there own opinion, and I will be giving mine shortly. You can argue with it, agree with it, disagree with it, and it simply doesn't matter because the opinion is all mine, and nobody can take that away. You can have a roomful of people reading the same book, and chances are each of them will come up with a different view of the book. It doesn't make any views wrong or right, it's simply how people see and understand things. I myself have been reading a book lately, The Gnostic Bible. I find it one of the most fascinating materials ever written and this is where I found my light, shining brightly.
I have always felt there had to be more then this material world, this couldn't be it and this couldn't be all. After reading many passages, I know there is more. Many people have deja vu, many people believe they have been reincarnated, and at this I have no doubt. My own feelings on this subject is this:
There is a hell, we are living it. Each of us is only half a person searching and always seeking for something that makes our lives complete. I've been searching and didn't know what I was searching for, kinda like going to the store and just looking because you want something, you just don't know what it is, but you would know it once you see it. I am going to take an exercpt out of the Gnostic Bible, then give some more opinions afterwards. This is a passage called Thunder:
I was sent out from the power
and have come to you who study me
and am found by you who seek me.
Look at me, you who study me,
and you who hear, hear me.
You waiting for me, take me into yourselves,
Don't banish me from your vision.
Don't let hatred enter your voice against me
or let anger enter your hearing.
In no place, in no time, be unknowing of me.
Be alert. Don't be ignorant of me.
(Complicated in a Simple Manner)
I am the first and the last.
I am the honored and scorned.
I am the whore and holy.
I am the wife and the virgin.
I am the mother and daughter.
I am the members of my mother
and the barren one with many sons.
I have had a grand wedding
and have not found a husband.
I am a midwife and do not give birth.
I am the solace of my labor pains.
I am bride and groom,
and my husband produced me.
I am the mother of my father
and sister of my husband,
and he is my offspring.
I am a slave of him who prepared me
and ruler of my offspring.
He produced me earlier yet on my birthday.
He is my offspring to come,
and from him is my power.
I am the staff of his power in his youth
and he the rod of my old age,
and whatever he wants happens to me.
I am a silence incomprehensible
and an idea remembered often.
I am the voice whose sound is manifold
and word whose appearance is multiple.
I am the utterance of my name.
(Complicated in a Simple Manner)
Why do you who hate me love me
and hate those who love me?
You who deny me confess me,
and you who confess me deny me.
You who tell the truth about me lie about me.
and you who lie tell the truth.
You who know me,
be ignorant of me, and those who have not known me,
let them know me.
(Complicated in a Simple Manner)
I am knowledge and ignorance.
I am shame and fearlessness.
I am shameless and ashamed.
I am strength and fear.
I am war and peace.
Hear what I say.
I am the disgraced and the grand being.
Consider my poverty and wealth.
Don't be arrogant when I am cast down on the earth,
and you will find me in those who are to come.
Don't stare at me lying on a dung heap.
Don't run off and cast me away.
In the kingdoms you will find me.
Don't stare when I am cast with the disgraced
in the most sordid places
or laugh at me.
Don't throw me out among those violently slaughtered.
I am compassionate and cruel.
(Complicated in a Simple Manner)
Be careful.
Don't hate my obedience
or love my self-control.
When I am weak, don't forsake me
or fear my power.
Why do you despise my fear
and curse my pride?
I am a woman existing in every fear
and in my strength when I tremble.
I am a woman, weak,
and carefree in a pleasant place.
I am senseless and wise.
(Complicated in a Simple Manner)
Why have you hated me in your counsels?
I will be silent among the silent
and appear and speak.
Greeks, why do you hate me?
Because I am a barbarian among the barbarians?
I am the wisdom of Greeks and knowledge of barbarians.
I am the judgment of Greeks and barbarians.
My image is great in Egypt, and I have no image among the barbarians.
I am hated everywhere and loved everywhere.
I am called life and you have called me death.
I am called law and you have called me lawlessness.
I am one you pursued and seized.
I am one you scattered and gathered together.
I am one before whom you are ashamed,
and to me you are shameless.
I am the woman who attends no festival
and whose festivals are many.
I am godless and one whose god is great.
I am one you studied and you scorn me.
I am unlettered and you learn from me.
I am one you despise and you study me.
I am one you hide from and you appear to me.
When you hide I show.
When you appear I hide...
(Complicated in a Simple Manner)
Take me into understanding from grief,
and take me from understanding and grief.
Receive me into yourselves from other places
ugly and destroyed.
And steal from the good even in their ugliness.
Out of shame take me to yourselves shamelessly.
Without shame and with shame, rebuke what is mine
in you
and come to me, you who know me
and you who know my members,
and make great ones among small first creatures.
Come to childhood
and don't despise it, because it is small and tiny.
Don't turn away the great in parts from the small,
for the small is known from the great.
Why do you curse and honor me?
You wound me and have mercy.
Don't separate me from the first you have known.
Don't cast out or turn away.
turn away and not know...
I know the first ones,
and those after them know me.
I am perfect mind and rest....
I am the knowledge of my search,
the finding of those who look for me,
the command of those who ask about me,
the power of powers
in my knowledge of angels sent at my word,
and of gods in their seasons sent by my counsel,
and of spirits of all who exist with me
and of women who live in me.
(Complicated in a Simple Manner)
I am one who is honored, praised, and scornfully despised.
I am peace, and war has come because of me.
I am alien and citizen
I am the substance and one without substance.
(Complicated in a Simple Manner)
Those unconnected to me are unfamiliar with me,
and those in my substance know me.
Those close to me are ignorant of me,
and those far away have known me.
On the day I am close to you, you are far,
and on the day I am far, I am close to you.
(Complicated in a Simple Manner)
I am...within
I am...of natures.
I am...of created spirits,
the request of souls.
I am control and the uncontrollable.
I am union and dissolution.
I abide and dissolve.
I am below and they come up to me.
I am judgment and acquittal.
I am sinless,
and the root of sin comes from me.
I am lust outwardly, yet within me is control.
I am hearing for all, and my speech is indecipherable.
I am an unspeakable mute
and enormous in my many words.
(Complicated in a Simple Manner)
Hear me in gentleness and discover me in roughness.
I am the woman crying out
and cast upon the face of the earth.
I prepare bread and my mind within.
I am the knowledge of my name.
I am the one who cries out
and I listen.
I appear...walk in...I am...the defense.
I am called truth and iniquity...
(Complicated in a Simple Manner)
You honor me and whisper against me.
You, the vanquished, judge those who vanquish you
before they judge you,
because in you the judge and partiality exist.
If you are condemned by one, who will acquit you?
If acquitted by him, who will arrest you?
What is in you is outside,
and one who fashions you on the outside
shapes you inside.
What you see outside you see within you.
It is visible and your garment.
Hear me, hearers,
and find out about my words, you who know me.
I am the hearing all can reach;
I am speech undecipherable.
I am the name of the sound
and the sound of the name.
I am the sign of the letter
and the designation of the division.
I...light...great power...will not move the name...
to the one who created me.
I will speak his name.
(Complicated in a Simple Manner)
Look at his words and all the writings completed.
Be alert, hearers and angels and those sent
and you spirits arisen from the dead.
I alone exist and have no one to judge me.
Many pleasures exist in many sins,
uncontrolled passions and disgraceful desires
and brief pleasures
embraced by people until they sober up
and float up the their place of rest.
Then they will find me and live, and they will not die again.
Complicated in a Simple Manner!

Half people walking around, not knowing while they are in this hell they are supposed to be looking for the light, or more specifically, the other half of themselves. If you perish from this plane of existence without finding your light, you come back, time and time again, until you find what you were meant to look for. It's been said life is difficult, life is hard, life is not fair, nothing was meant to be while you are here. There is nothing fair or just about this life on this world. Find your other half and you find the light, life balances out, you have good and bad, one can't exist without the other. In the Gnostic Bible, it is said, "When woman turns masculine, and males turn feminine, then they shall live forever in the light". It's so simple it's complicated. When the two halves become one, life is joyous, there is an unexplained happiness. I found my other half, I always knew he was fascinating and handsome and sexy, but until I started reading the Gnostic Bible, I never thought of him as the other part of me. It is the middle of the day, and I can close my eyes and see a bright shining light, just thinking about him. Others can search, read many books, meditate on others' writings, join cults, perform rituals do whatever it takes to try and make yourself happy, but happiness and a lifting of the spirit will never come until you join the two halves in a spiritual ceremony. Then you become one. It is heartwrenching when one passes on, but their is an inner peace knowing that person will be waiting for you, with all the love they possess in their hearts and souls, spending eternity out of this hell and with each other in eden. If you haven't found your other self, keep searching, and if you don't find them this time, you could always look again the next time. It's a process that will keep repeating until you get it right. After I pass on from this existence, I know I won't be coming back, I will be waiting on the other side with a warm wet kiss for my beloved Allan.